There are lots of ways in which things unfold – unexpected run-ins, whirlwind romances, unresolved feelings, or even marriage proposals. Life is beautiful and unpredictable like that. Nobody really knows what to expect from one minute to the next, especially when a perfectly happy relationship comes to an unprecedented halt. So what do you do? Do you cry? Do you curse everything around you? Do you wish for death? Or, do you just simply let the cards fall where they may?
The fact remains, you don’t really know what to do. You’re rendered immobile for what seems like hours. Your mind shuts down and refuses to regain control of your body. You’re mechanical and probably just going through the motions, so that, when you’re finally alone, you can let it all out – cry, scream, and maybe even punch a wall.
Nothing is set in stone. And that’s an ugly truth I’ve had the displeasure of learning a few too many times. Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” Those words are not only powerful, but they hold a certain beauty and truth to it. The feeling of being in love, making someone happy, and watching them love you back is what makes life worth living. It’s exhilarating and a complete rush. It makes you do things you never thought possible. It gives you a renewed sense of hope and belief. So, when it’s pulled out from under your feet, and you can watch yourself fall to the ground in slow motion, the only thing that does, in fact, cross your mind is this: it was worth it, if only for a few moments in the sun.
So when Tennyson penned "In Memoriam: 27" is 1850, he knew what he was talking about. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? But, I have to stop and ask – how many times must I watch myself fall, till I know I will be caught and held upright, for good? How many inventive ways will I get my heart broken, before I meet someone who just takes away all the hurt, deception, grief and disappointment?
Everybody gets into a relationship in the hope that it’ll work out. More often than not, your first love is never your last. For those lucky few who have met the ones they’re supposed to be with for the rest of their lives, in the first try, don’t let it go. Then there are those unfortunate ones, like myself, for whom hope burns only as bright as a candle flame, dwindling and flicker with any external force. What do people like myself do? Do we keep that flame burning, or just let it go out on its own?
The truth is, I’m losing hope. I can feel myself slowly sinking into an abyss, which for what it's worth, may just as well be a better option, as compared to waiting to find love, and doing the same jig all over again. I feel myself giving up, now, after so many failed relationships, for the simple reason that I cannot trust myself anymore. I cannot trust my ability to judge someone’s character or the choices I make. I cannot trust anything. The only thing that life has taught me so far is, when you let yourself fall for someone, and truly let them see you, you’re going to be left hurt. When you open yourself up to love, you run the risk of getting hurt. I have been an eternal romantic, optimistic and ever ready to give someone a chance, in the hopes that this time, the relationship would last. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve. I’ve always said what’s in my heart and given more than I should. Somehow, I’ve always fallen short or I've ended up with the raw end of the deal.
Recently, I met an amazing man – funny, charming, kind, honest, someone with a bright future, but, more importantly, someone who chose me, and not the other way around when I've always made the first move and said what I felt. He sought me out. He chased after me and it was he who showed me that life could be beautiful, that I was beautiful. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on. He gave me hope and made me feel safe. Then, without any warning, he just took it all back. Nine words took what I thought was the best relationship I’ve ever had, and turned it into something I will never understand. “I don’t think I can be in a relationship,” was what he said. He might as well have added the “with you” bit as well. And to add insult to injury, he said, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That he "still had feelings for his ex and was only caught up with me." So, what happened? Can anybody explain why someone would say he was going to marry me one day, have four kids with me, and build a home if he was merely "caught up" in the moment?
My mind is running empty. I don’t know anything anymore. What does one do when someone who’s perfect on paper and person, does something like this, despite your repeated requests to not hurt you, because he seems like he’s too good to be true? What does one do when the very last remnants of hope you've scrounged and stitched together, only so that you can give another relationship an honest shot, are ripped apart at the vulnerable seams? How then, does one pick themselves up, brush off the dirt, and move forward? With what heart does one embrace a new day?
This quest to find someone who won’t look right through me or fool me, is hopeless. So I write. I write out the good. I write out the bad. I let the words flow. Right now, my thoughts may not be coherent. I may not be making any sense. Perhaps it’s because confusing the world seems like the only thing that’s just about right, since nothing else around me makes sense. So I’ll go through the motions. I’ll do my duties as a daughter, sister and employee. But, the duty to myself will be left incomplete because, if life has taught me anything, it’s that there’s just no point to doing things right.
There’s just no point.
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