Dreaming in Black and White

The pictures on the wall
Memories frozen in time
Slowly fades away
Like a missed note, or unsung line

A symphony of souls
Ripped apart with that one call
Nine words to this day
Resound within my all

Those promises you made
The pictures your words would paint
Filled my dreams with colour
Hope didn't seem so faint

But suddenly, without warning
You pulled the carpet from where I stood
So I dream in black and white
For colour is no good

By Charlene Flanagan

So I write...

There are lots of ways in which things unfold – unexpected run-ins, whirlwind romances, unresolved feelings, or even marriage proposals. Life is beautiful and unpredictable like that. Nobody really knows what to expect from one minute to the next, especially when a perfectly happy relationship comes to an unprecedented halt. So what do you do? Do you cry? Do you curse everything around you? Do you wish for death? Or, do you just simply let the cards fall where they may?

The fact remains, you don’t really know what to do. You’re rendered immobile for what seems like hours. Your mind shuts down and refuses to regain control of your body. You’re mechanical and probably just going through the motions, so that, when you’re finally alone, you can let it all out – cry, scream, and maybe even punch a wall.

Nothing is set in stone. And that’s an ugly truth I’ve had the displeasure of learning a few too many times. Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” Those words are not only powerful, but they hold a certain beauty and truth to it. The feeling of being in love, making someone happy, and watching them love you back is what makes life worth living. It’s exhilarating and a complete rush. It makes you do things you never thought possible. It gives you a renewed sense of hope and belief. So, when it’s pulled out from under your feet, and you can watch yourself fall to the ground in slow motion, the only thing that does, in fact, cross your mind is this: it was worth it, if only for a few moments in the sun.

So when Tennyson penned "In Memoriam: 27" is 1850, he knew what he was talking about. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? But, I have to stop and ask – how many times must I watch myself fall, till I know I will be caught and held upright, for good? How many inventive ways will I get my heart broken, before I meet someone who just takes away all the hurt, deception, grief and disappointment?

Everybody gets into a relationship in the hope that it’ll work out. More often than not, your first love is never your last. For those lucky few who have met the ones they’re supposed to be with for the rest of their lives, in the first try, don’t let it go. Then there are those unfortunate ones, like myself, for whom hope burns only as bright as a candle flame, dwindling and flicker with any external force. What do people like myself do? Do we keep that flame burning, or just let it go out on its own?

The truth is, I’m losing hope. I can feel myself slowly sinking into an abyss, which for what it's worth, may just as well be a better option, as compared to waiting to find love, and doing the same jig all over again. I feel myself giving up, now, after so many failed relationships, for the simple reason that I cannot trust myself anymore. I cannot trust my ability to judge someone’s character or the choices I make. I cannot trust anything. The only thing that life has taught me so far is, when you let yourself fall for someone, and truly let them see you, you’re going to be left hurt. When you open yourself up to love, you run the risk of getting hurt. I have been an eternal romantic, optimistic and ever ready to give someone a chance, in the hopes that this time, the relationship would last. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve. I’ve always said what’s in my heart and given more than I should. Somehow, I’ve always fallen short or I've ended up with the raw end of the deal.

Recently, I met an amazing man – funny, charming, kind, honest, someone with a bright future, but, more importantly, someone who chose me, and not the other way around when I've always made the first move and said what I felt. He sought me out. He chased after me and it was he who showed me that life could be beautiful, that I was beautiful. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on. He gave me hope and made me feel safe. Then, without any warning,  he just took it all back. Nine words took what I thought was the best relationship I’ve ever had, and turned it into something I will never understand. “I don’t think I can be in a relationship,” was what he said. He might as well have added the “with you” bit as well. And to add insult to injury, he said, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That he "still had feelings for his ex and was only caught up with me." So, what happened? Can anybody explain why someone would say he was going to marry me one day, have four kids with me, and build a home if he was merely "caught up" in the moment? 

My mind is running empty. I don’t know anything anymore. What does one do when someone who’s perfect on paper and person, does something like this, despite your repeated requests to not hurt you, because he seems like he’s too good to be true? What does one do when the very last remnants of hope you've scrounged and stitched together, only so that you can give another relationship an honest shot, are ripped apart at the vulnerable seams? How then, does one pick themselves up, brush off the dirt, and move forward? With what heart does one embrace a new day?

This quest to find someone who won’t look right through me or fool me, is hopeless. So I write. I write out the good. I write out the bad. I let the words flow. Right now, my thoughts may not be coherent. I may not be making any sense. Perhaps it’s because confusing the world seems like the only thing that’s just about right, since nothing else around me makes sense. So I’ll go through the motions. I’ll do my duties as a daughter, sister and employee. But, the duty to myself will be left incomplete because, if life has taught me anything, it’s that there’s just no point to doing things right.

There’s just no point.

Around the Bend (Review: Tilt All Day)

It’s not easy staying straight and Tilt All Day, Mumbai’s latest café-bar hybrid will definitely get you bent out of shape…

If you’re anything like me, chances are, you get yourself into a world of food-related trouble. But if you’re not, here’s why you should! This is one guilt trip you won’t regret.

In the zone

So what sets Tilt apart? I’m inclined to say that the concept of an ‘All Day’ format with the ability to transform a 4,000 sq feet not-so-quaint café by day, to an all out disco – strobe lights and the whole shebang – by night, might have something to do with it. And if club hopping is not your thing, Tilt seems like the perfect spot for great dinner conversations that have a tendency to turn into a long night of dancing.

This semi-industrial Kamala Mills space, designed by Busride Design Studio, has an interesting décor. You will find blue sofa booths that at the click of a button, turns into a dance floor; a sunshine yellow community table with high stools for the vertically challenged; a velvet VIP booth, a bar and a stage. Guests get to witness their meals being prepared and the open kitchen even boasts of a shawarma spit and wood-fire oven. Add to that a light controller with about 700 settings used to change the mood as the day progresses. And even though it sounds like something out of a Spielberg movie, it manages to come together.

It’s five o’clock somewhere!

It was 7 p.m. And after an exhausting day at work, mid-week drinking was an exciting prospect. But since we were a tad bit early (the restaurant opens at 7.30 p.m), we waited outside. Once in, we were guided to our table by not one, but three eager-to-serve-you waiters that were bursting with energy. You can always tell how a night is going to turn out but the way you’re greeted at the door. And it’s safe to say, you feel like a VIP, reviewer or not. After we settled in, we were presented with an elaborate bar menu. A quick scan and a few recommendations later, we tried their immensely popular Berry Berry Margarita (R695) – a blend of tequila, cranberry liqueur, blueberry, raspberry, lime juice and sugar syrup, and a Fuzzy Martini (R750) – Absolut Vanilla Vodka, kaluha and peach puree. Now, I’m not too big on Raspberries so the Margarita was not my favourite, but I think I found my drink in that Fuzzy Martini. After round one of drinks, the intuitive staff was ready with a few more recommendations. This time, we decided on a Black Oasis (R750), a mixture of Finlandia Vodka, earl grey tea, lemon grass, tamarind puree, lime juice and sugar syrup. I wish I’d stuck to my Martini since the alcohol in the Black Oasis was a mere mirage. The Monk’s Martini (R550), a mixture of Old Monk, coffee, cinammon powder and sugar syrup, is the perfect treat for us big babies. And if that wasn’t enough, I was reminded of those walks home from school with treats of guava and chilli powder, in Tilt’s unlisted Guava mocktail.

Glutton for punishment

As we sipped on our drinks and observed the pretty lights, our order of the Wild Mushroom Soup scented with Truffle Oil (R225) and Roasted Pumkin Soup with oven roasted garlic (R175), served as well-received accompaniments. I mean, alcohol on an empty stomach only spells doom. The earthy flavour of wild mushroom with the touch of truffle was spectacular while the simple, yet robust flavour of the pumpkin soup worked well. The minimalistic presentation and vibrant colours added just the right touch. Since this was going to be a long night, and the next course, like clockwork, made it to our table the moment we were done with one, we requested smaller portions. I mean, it’s only logical that we tasted everything if we were going to do justice to the place. Next, we moved on to salads. We opted for the Watermelon and Feta with Rocket Leaves and Alfalfa (R325) and the Pulled Chicken with Orange Glase and Caramalised Walnuts (R355). Now, I know watermelon is delicious all on its own but what these culinary geniuses served up was nothing short of perfection. The smokey spice of the rocket leaves, the saltiness of the feta and the subtle sweetness of the watermelon was perfectly complemented by the balsamic reduction drizzled on top. It was an absolute delight to eat. The chicken salad was exquisite and the candied walnuts danced on my palate.

Bon appetite!

The next course of appetisers included their Chargrilled Mustard King Prawns with a Balsamic reduction (R475) and the Cajun-marinated Cottage Cheese with a Sweet Chilli Dip (R325). The prawns were succulent while the cottage cheese had a generous coating of the marinade. But what really took the dish to the next level was that sweet chilli dip. The hit of the Cajun spices, followed by the sweetness of, the chilli sauce, stayed with me for a long time.

By this time, we were pretty much done. However, despite requesting tiny portions, our main course of Green tea infused Scottish Salmon with Leeks and Asparagus Fondue and a side of Wasabi Mashed Potatoes (R995) and Eggplant Parmigiana (R425) were nowhere close to tiny. It was a tough job but somebody had to do it. Now, I don’t want to take away from the hard work and wonderful flavours but what I didn’t quite understand was why we were served a risotto in place of the fondue, and why anything infused with green tea needed to be paired with wasabi! I mean, wasabi has strong flavours and almost always dominates a dish. The eggplant left little to be desired. It seemingly lacked a punch – perhaps garlic or a little spice would have helped, but the greasy eggplant took away from what could have been a winner.

Now, as you can imagine, we were pretty much done for. One more morsel of food and we would explode. Enter the Chocolate Nougat cake with a dollop of caramel. Now I don’t know how, but there seemed to be a tiny pocket of space – enough room for dessert as they say – that managed to open up. But that was not all. The staff insisted we try their dessert cocktail, the Tiramisu (R550), and I have to admit, I wouldn’t mind another one of those. The potent concoction, was irresistible. I’m definitely going back for more.

A buzzing head and the psychedelic light display, made for a tilted effect I’ve never experienced before. This is definitely one meal I’m going to commit to memory!

By Charlene Flanagan