The Ramblings of a Disappointed Girl

Sometimes, it’s hard to put into words just what it is that you’re feeling. Disappointments are abundant – whether it’s criticism at work, the constant nastiness and condescending tones you deal with or the very fact that, because of human error, you’re reprimanded and made to look a fool. Nothing is ever going to be exactly the way you expect and maybe, that’s why disappointments arise. What is it about the human condition that keeps us hopeful, despite knowing the outcome before hand? Are we all closet masochists or is it that we expect too much from the people around us?

(I’d like to believe that) I’ve always been an optimist. And I’ve had to learn the hard way the world is filled with beautiful liars. And more often than not, it’s relationships that disappoint the most. Maybe it’s because women, when they love, they give their hearts and souls away, expecting the same in return. And then, when expectations aren’t met, disappointments arise. Big surprise! And being understanding and reasonable in the hopes of being given priority over the other is an inevitable disillusionment. So why then, do we still place our hopes where the foreseeable danger of dissatisfaction is lurking? And, what’s sad is that despite this expected outcome, women will be hopeful till the very last minute.

And today, I learned a valuable lesson. Whether I keep it in mind in the future is debatable but it was a predictable unpredictability. I’m not really sure that’s even a possibility but, if you stop to think, even the tiniest bit of hope will cause such an outcome.  And it’s made me realised the importance of self preservation. Maybe that’s not what I would call it. But let’s just say, for argument sake, that it’s important to do things that makes us happy first, before we decide to be all so selfless and end up, as time only proves, disappointed. It’s been the story of my life so far. When I’ve done wrong, things seem to have fallen into place for me. When I’ve been selfish, I’ve always been happier. Is this the way the world really works? Does selfishness really pay off? I’d like to believe that we’re all better than this. But the sad fact remains, selflessness goes hand in hand with disappointment, no matter how much you disagree.

You may be wondering what I’m on about. But that’s not what matters. Because at the end of the day, whatever the situation, a woman will always have expectations from her man, and she’ll always wait for the “good news” she wants to hear, despite what she knows she’ll hear. I may not be making much sense. But I’m not here to be coherent. I’m here in the hope that some man somewhere will realise just how much hope, faith and trust their partner have placed in them and they, try their best to not build her up, only to let her down again...

This is how my life is as I take stock today. It’s not what it used to be – carefree. All these feelings, hopes and dreams I’ve shared have left me vulnerable. These are my words, the words that rise from a heavy heart. The words I’ve always let slip, without a trace. And this is my smile, one that’s failing to hide the tears underneath. I’ve shown that too many times before. I guess I’m the masochist after all...