Cruel Intentions

He came, like a touch upon the hand,
With eyes a glorious green,
So suddenly, it was hard to stand,
Nothing but a face was all she’d seen.

Standing tall, his head up high,
A smile that could melt any heart,
Every breath held a sigh,
Every man kept his woman apart

His strong form now seemed near,
Looking like it was carved of stone,
Hands that make someone quick to fear,
And another soften when alone.

Exuding confidence and abundant charm,
Poised and ready to proceed,
Walked to her, extended his arm,
Promised to fulfil her every need.

She’d known too much to believe his talk,
Her guard was up all the while,
She’d known the moment she saw him walk,
The moment she saw him smile.

She had known all about his deeds,
Warned, to watch and be aware,
He’s the cause of the heart that bleeds,
The man that doesn’t care.

She watched as he hopelessly tried,
An impression he had to make,
For he could not hurt his pride,
His reputation was at stake.

“Perhaps a dance may change your mind,
And show you that I’m good,
A bad standing left behind,
I am just misunderstood.”

He moved so elegantly, yet so bold,
Strong hands gentle to the touch,
Something about that tender hold,
Made her want him quite so much.

Sweet talk eventually gained control,
She gave in to passion’s trust,
The stain of sin upon her soul,
Betrayed by the night of lust.

The plain deceit, the obvious lies,
False words to trap and trick
What hides beneath those glorious eyes
Are thorns that pierce and prick

Arrogance, personified by this man,
Prides himself in another’s pain,
Out of choice, because he can,
For nothing but selfish gain.

Charlene Flanagan

Love Game

Scarlet lips begin to curl around
The cigarette that she holds
Sweet smoke fills up her every breath
As another night unfolds
Staring at her reflection
With a deadness in her eyes
She lowers her head, turns off the light
And stifles her desperate sighs
Stumbling down the road she goes
Clothes outlining her perfect shape
This night, like every one before
Allows for no escape
Preying eyes with every step she takes
Leaves her lost and in despair
But she carries on in a hopeless daze
Avoiding every stare
Rounds a corner to that one same spot
Takes her place under the stars
With one last drag of her cigarette
She began waving down the cars
Remnants of the girl she was
Stare back with fleeting hope
From the reflection of a tinted glass
A customer she tries to rope
If only she could finally see
Eyes filled with love instead
Be done with pantyhose and heels
And pay per hour motel beds
If someone could look past her flaws
And try to make her whole
They’d see she’s just a frightened girl
A weary, wounded soul
If someone tried to understand
Leave nothing left to hide
Put a smile back on her tainted face
And make her stand with pride
But she knows too well not to hope or pray
Life had nothing good in store
She knows the price of happiness
And wanting so much more
Heels click along the concrete road
Though it feels like sinking sand
She walks toward the waiting car
And takes the driver’s hand
She shakes away that hint hope
Slowly creeping in her eyes
Adjusts her dress, wipes away a tear
Stifling those desperate sighs

Charlene Flanagan

Together Forever

The night was dark, the wind blew strong,
The road ahead was cold and long,
This lonely path she had to tread,
She did not know what lay ahead.
Her heart to no one did belong,
She walked for miles till he came along,
A handsome young stranger, humble and kind,
Of noble descent, with a beautiful mind.
He saw the girl and instantly fell
In his mind and heart she began to dwell,
All day long he would smile and dream,
Take walks along the gentle stream.
He would see her and his pulse would race,
One look and blood rushed to his face,
He knew just then that he had fallen in love,
With an angel sent from up above.
She could feel love for him begin to grow,
When and how she did not know,
All she knew was that those feelings ran deep,
She prayed this love was for her to keep.
The pain she endured for all those years,
With no one to wipe her bitter tears,
Once bitten twice shy, that’s what they say,
Should she let love pass, let it slip away?
She knew just then, she had to tell,
To confess that she loved him as well,
Whether hurt again she did not care,
With him this love she had to share.
For days he wondered how she would feel,
When finally the truth he would reveal,
Would she glance and then turn her head?
Or would she make him wholly hers instead?
So finally when his mind was made,
He bought a ring with diamonds laid,
Walked up to her, asked for her hand,
He finally decided to make the stand.
Like a rainbow forming across the skies,
A sudden brightness filled her eyes,
“Yes,” came the reply, “Yes I will,
Be yours forever till time stands still.”
Now here together on sacred ground,
Happy that each other they had found,
With only love and happiness to give,
Together, forever they will live.

Charlene Flanagan

Untitled...

Last night I saw cloudy skies
Before the first rain falls
Heavy drops of painful cries
Seemed to muffle my desperate calls
I could see us standing miles apart
While you soaked in the heavy rain
One look was what broke my heart
When I saw those tears of pain
I began to run closer to you
So I could wipe the tears
To erase the hurt I put you through
To fight away those fears
But as I ran, you kept moving back
Kept moving further away
Maybe it is something I lack
That just won’t make you stay
But I had to fight, to make you smile
Even with the rain pouring down
And if it took all the while
I would wipe away that frown
But just then, I awoke
With a quiet, muffled scream
Never had I felt the choke
Of a horrid and painful dream
So I pick up the phone to make a call
To make the pain die out
And just your voice can calm my all
And drive my fear and doubt
So even if a dream can scar
It doesn’t make it true
For all the pain seems so far
When I’m lying next to you

Charlene Flanagan

I Waited...

I wished for love on a falling star
I prayed it would come true
And when I least expected it
I stumbled upon you
The twinkling stars, the silver moon
Nothing can compare
To the way you smile, you hold my hand
Or how you stop and stare
To the love you have that only grows
The warmth of your embrace
Your laughter like the sweetest song
Or that look upon your face
Each passing day brings us close
Makes us stronger with each fight
And all the hurt, and tears and pain
Banishes in your light
So here I am, lost no more
With a heart all full of love
I waited on that falling star
And my angel from above

Charlene Flanagan

Tainted Face

To whomsoever it may concern,

By the time you read this letter, I will be long gone. It’s a shame that my life has become so unbearable that I have to resort to such a means of escape. I have been disowned by everyone with nobody there to help me in my hour of need. I hope you help those like me before they meet the same fate. This is my story.

It was around 11.30 a.m. about four years ago when Baba was in the front of our house-cum-tailor’s shop. We lived alone in a tiny village on the outskirts of Mumbai. Ma had died some years earlier, when I was only 14. Since then, Baba kept to himself; couldn’t really talk to me. I reminded him too much of ma. I think he despised me. It was a small house, just two rooms big; the front room Baba worked in and the kitchen.

I had to take care of all the household duties. It was a simple exchange; women saw to the home while men worked to put food in our stomachs. Since ma’s death, I had stopped attending school. I was in the kitchen cleaning some rice for our afternoon meal when four men entered our home. I was accustomed to seeing many men enter our house, after all, Baba was a Men’s tailor, but these men were different. Just the look told me that I wasn’t going to be safe with them around. One by one, they entered the kitchen. I looked at Baba from the tiny window that connected the Kitchen to the front portion of our house. But he just bowed his head in shame, turned around and walked out of the house. I knew what was going on. Baba had sold me.

One of them locked the door behind and turned back towards the kitchen. I was trapped in my own house. I began to scream as another one approached me while two others pinned me down, their hands clasped on my mouth. Tears streamed down, dripped onto my clothes and soaked them The more they tried to constrain me, the more I tried to loosen their grip on my wrists, kicking them whenever they let go of my legs. My clothes were torn off by the fourth man and he ravaged my body as the others looked on. I prayed for someone to help me, but my screams could not be heard. I was helpless. One by one, they each had their way with me, leaving their own marks across my body by way of bites, slaps and cigarette burns. They made me know, drilled it into my body that I now belonged to them and there was nothing anybody could do, rather, there was nothing anybody wanted to do.

A big crowd had gathered outside my house to witness the tamasha. Everybody just looked on but nobody came forward to help. As I was being carried out by one of the men, I saw my father sit on the steps, his eyes filled with tears. That was the last time I ever saw him.

From my village I was brought to one of the many slums that stifle suburban Mumbai. This was my first visit to Mumbai and I got to see it through the 2x2 window of the small room, not bigger than the size of my own house, I was confined to. This room felt alien to me and there was no way to escape. I didn’t know the city and I had no money.

There were two other girls in that room, around the same age as me. At least I thought they were. I was completely lost and had not slept since I had been raped. Outside the room, I heard two voices, that of a man and a woman.
“Madam Ji, these are young, fresh maal. You have to set a high price for them. You know how Bhaskar Sahib likes the new ones to start high.”
“Are they virgins?”
“No Madam Ji. Only one is not. The elder of the three. The men who found her made sure no other man would want her.”
“Haan. Ok ok. Chal Chal. Now you leave. Tell Bhaskar Sahib that I will send the girls after they are cleaned up.”

The man left and Madam Ji walked into the room. She looked 55, was quite tall for a woman and was extremely fat. The five meters of the sari was not enough to drape her body. She had wheatish coloured skin and paan stained teeth. She glared at us.
“There is only one thing you’ll need to know, which is, you will have to do whatever you’re are told. Obey. And no one will get hurt.”
The other two girls nodded in obedience. I didn’t respond. I just stared at Madam Ji’s feet. “Oye, you didn’t hear what I said?” There was a pause and she waited for me to reply. She sized me up and down, thinking as she looked at every inch of my body.
“You are very beautiful. You will fetch us some good business. How old are you?”
“16” I replied and turned my gaze back to her feet. They were the worse feet I had ever seen. Blackened toes, dry skin and a heel that was covered with cracks.
“Bhaskar Sahib always likes to be first to test the new maal, especially the beautiful ones. He will use you before he puts you on the market. We must get you ready.”

She dressed me up in a pink and blue sari. I have to admit, it was better than any sari I ever owned. “You must look your best for Bhaskar Sahib.” She called out to someone. “Murli, take her quickly.” The man who kept sizing me down from the moment I got to the slum was now escorting me to Bhaskar Sahib’s house. In the rickshaw, the man constantly kept trying to touch me in the same way the other men had. I couldn’t scream so I had to endure everything. The driver thought it was best not to interfere because he knew that it would mean he would lose his licence. Murli stroked himself as he played with my breasts. I stifled my tears and prayed we reached soon. And we did. The next thing I remembered, I was shown to a room and was made to wait.

Bhaskar Sahib walked in. He was a tall muscular man, was dark skinned and had a thick black moustache. He wore a white collard shirt with grey pants and was talking into a mobile phone. He seemed very happy with what he saw. Coming close and felt my parts. Touching my breasts he said. “Firm. You are perfect.” He undressed me, led me to the bed and lay on top of me. Tears began rolling down my eyes as he, like the other men before him, raped me. After he was done he phoned Madam Ji. “She is very lovely. I have already got a very good offer for her from a Sheikh in Dubai. He has offered Rs. 3 Lakhs for the girl.”

I didn’t hear the rest of their conversation. I wiped away my tears as I began wearing the sari. Back in the room, I cried myself to sleep. I did not eat, drink or talk to anyone for the next few days. Someone came to take a picture of me, but I didn’t really know why. Later I realised that it was for my passport and then visa to Dubai. Sheikh Abdul Karim had especially come to pick me up. I remember being led through big wooden gates that had to be pushed open by four men. I was in awe as I walked down a long path, surrounded by the prettiest white flowers I had even seen. High beige walls formed a barrier from the rest of the world, making me feel smaller than I already did. Stained glass seemed to loom high above my head and filled every inch of door space this enormous palace had. But what took me by surprise was the room I had been given. It was ten times the size of my father's house. A four-poster bed, complete with the finest silk sheets adorned the chamber. I had a separate bathing area, with a bath tub that could easily be mistaken for a swimming pool. I felt like royalty in his house, but it didn’t take long for me to realise that I was nothing more than a whore, forced to live in that one place.

He brought the best of clothes for me to wear, gave me the best food and perfumes. But nothing could shake the resentment I had for the man. He had so many of us to choose from but he kept coming to me. He enjoyed making me scream every time he had sex with me because he got some sick sadistic pleasure from seeing me in pain. I was trapped in a strange country and confined to just one quadrangle of his house. It was a beautiful house but a prison to me.

One morning, the Sheikh had some urgent work in the city so he left hurriedly. I was standing in the balcony of my chambers when I saw him walking across the quadrangle. He was just an ordinary gardener on that plot but he was the only one that dared to raise his eyes to look at me. It was forbidden for the help to even look at, let alone talk to any of us. The Sheikh’s mistresses had no voice: we couldn’t express ourselves. We were not allowed to talk to anybody in the house, except among ourselves and to the Sheikh himself, but only to ask him what would suit his desires that day. I kept to myself. I didn’t really talk to any of the other mistresses. I felt so ashamed of what I was forced to become. The only girl I spoke to, Nafisa, tried her best to get me to share my experience with the other girls. But that day I couldn’t help myself. I had to look at him. There was something about the way he moved, did his work, that made me wonder what it would be like if he came to my chambers. That day was the first time I felt like a normal young girl in a long time.

Days passed by, weeks, months and every morning I would stand in my balcony and wait for him and every morning he would raise his eyes, look up at me and then carry on with his work. It had become part of our routine. I was in love and I didn’t even know his name. On one morning, another of the Sheikh’s mistresses came into my chambers. “I know what you look at every morning.” I was a little startled. “What are you talking about Nafisa?” But she just smiled. “Don’t get caught. The Sheikh won’t look kindly upon such disobedience.” Before she left, she looked at me and said, “His name is Ahmed.”

Nafisa left my room and went back to her own quarters. But I did as I always had: waited for a glimpse of Ahmed. Late one night, I decided to take a walk in the garden. I was lost in my thoughts and hadn’t noticed Ahmed sitting on the wall, watching me while he smoked a cigarette. I noticed something move out the corner of my eye and when I realised it was him, I felt a torrent of emotions. It was hard to decipher what I felt at that moment.
“I have watched you for so long; it’s hard to believe you’re right here.”
He smiled, something I longed for since the first time I’d seen him. “I have been watching you too. I have wanted to speak to you for a while but I know I cannot even look at you. The Sheikh will have my head for talking to you like this.”
“I know. There’s something we can do though. We can talk to each other if we meet at this time every night. I would really like that.”
There came that smile again. “I’ll see you tomorrow Sameera, good night.”

That night was the first time I understood what happiness felt like. I felt alive, like I was a person and not a mere object anymore. I couldn’t help the smile that crept on my face every time I went back to that moment. For months after that, we had our secret meetings, although it was at different parts of the quadrangle each time so nobody would catch us. We made sure we were careful. One night, Ahmed seemed distant.
“What’s wrong?”
Ahmed looked at me, eyes filled with worry. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes”
“Are you happy?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, would you rather be somewhere else?”
“Like where?”
“Anywhere but here!”
“Where would I go Ahmed? I have no money and the Sheikh is a powerful man. He has people everywhere. You know I’m his favourite and he will come looking for me if I run.”
“But you’re not happy. You sound like you want to leave. Your voice gives you away.”
“I am. Ever since I’ve met you, I know what it’s like to be happy.”
“But is that enough?”
“I don’t know what you mean. Why are you so worried today? Everything is fine. Don’t think so much, just enjoy this little time we have together. Who knows what might happen tomorrow.”
“I have some money saved. We could run away together.”
“But if we get caught, he will kill you. I cannot let that happen.”
“Nothing will go wrong. I know a way to get you out of here. The guards are always asleep and we will be able to escape. We’ll meet tomorrow at this time. Don’t carry too much with you, just what you need. I promise everything will be ok soon.” Saying those words he kissed me goodnight.

I went to my room, gathered a few of my belongings and put them in a tiny bag under my bed. It was 2 a.m. and I thought a little sleep before Ahmed arrived would do me some good. I was woken up with a burst at around 5 a.m followed by the angry stomping of Sheikh Abdul Karim. The next thing I saw, Ahmed was being kicked into my room, his shirt torn, his nose bleeding. Sheikh Ahmed looked around my room. I looked a little tensed. ‘Nothing’s out of place is it?’ I held my blanket closer to my body as I sat huddled on my bed. The Sheikh looked like he was almost convinced that I didn’t know Ahmed but then he spotted something under my bed. He reached under and found my packed bag. “What is this Sameera?” I just bowed my head and looked away.
“So it’s true then? You were planning on leaving with him?” He glared at me but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. “Guards! Take him away. I’ll deal with you later.”

I got dressed and waited in my room. I was frantically pacing back and forth; tears were streaming down my face.
‘Every time I think everything’s going to be ok, my world is shattered. Happiness doesn’t seem to be a part of my life. It doesn’t exist for me. And even if it does, it’s all taken away so quickly, like I have no right to it. But what harm had Ahmed ever done to anyone? All he did was show me love and made me feel human. If there is a god, be kind to me. Keep him safe.’
One of the guards stormed into my room. “Sheikh Abdul Karim has asked for you in the dungeons. Follow me.”

I was being led into the basement, a part of the palace I had never seen before, and a place I hoped nobody else would have to see. The way was narrow and winding. The air was earthy and damp. As the passageway ended and opened into a large room, surrounded by small cells with iron bars for doors, a feeling or anger, sadness, fear and dread crept over me. I knew then that Ahmed wasn’t going to be safe, that I wasn’t going to be safe. I knew that the Sheikh was ruthless and would make me pay for my disobedience. “Bring her here,” he shouted to his guard and I was being pushed to the direction of his voice. As I was being led to Sheikh Abdul, I noticed Ahmed bound and gagged, lying unconscious in one of the cells. I couldn’t help but flinch at the sight of him, hurt and helpless for loving me.

“You are now going to watch him die.” Saying that, he summoned one of his guards to unlock the door. They dragged his body out and lay him in front of me. As I looked at the blood smeared over his shirt, I wondered where it was coming from. He seemed to be bleeding from his head, nose, mouth, almost every part of his body. I couldn’t bear to see him that way. I watched as they dragged him to the courtyard. I heard his shouts when they beat him with sticks, threw stones, whipped him and then finally hung him. My life drained as I watched the man I loved die. Immediately after I was sent to my room and was forced to stay there. I couldn’t leave. I wasn’t allowed to talk to any of the other mistresses. I couldn’t eat or sit with them; I was confined to my chamber.

For months after I was the outcast. All the other girls were warned and told not to speak to me. But that was something I was prepared to deal with. Even the Sheikh stopped coming to my room. I missed being able to speak with Nafisa but most of all I missed Ahmed. I longed to feel that love again. I couldn’t take it anymore. But even with my misery, I didn’t feel like I had made a mistake by loving Ahmed. He was the only solace I found in this beautiful prison.

As I write this letter my life seems to be flashing in front of me. I can see my father, his tears; I can see the men who raped me over and over; I see Ahmed, the only one who showed me that being normal wasn’t just a dream. ‘I’m coming Ahmed.’


By Charlene Flanagan

Uncertainties

It was 9.00 pm; an ordinary Tuesday night. I had just reached home after a long, tiring day and we were sitting to have our dinner. Mum had prepared a spectacular meal of roast chicken, boiled vegetables and her special brown gravy that complemented the meal. We lived on the 18th floor of a 22 storied building, hardly the humble home of a struggling musician. Dad did everything he could to give us the best. He believed in living every moment without worrying about tomorrow. Around the table now, dad sat with his usual chatter accompanied by his glass of Whisky.

“Nicole, did you get your results yet?”

Without so much as a glance in his direction, my younger sister nodded to suggest that she didn’t really bother to find out, as she kept her eyes glued to her cell phone all the while. She was 19 and didn’t have a clue about what she wanted to do after college. I always hated the way she spoke to my parents. My mother couldn’t really say much to her because she was extremely stubborn and always ended up yelling back. She was spoilt and unapologetic, and it was too late to change her.

I could see the hurt on my father’s face but he just smiled and shrugged it off. He turned his attention to me.

“What did you do today?”

“Nothing much really. Just had class as usual. Then I met Samuel. He had some of my CD’s so I went to get them back.”

He sipped his drink and with a bit of the alcohol still on his lips he said, “Oh! How is he? What’s he doing now? I haven’t seen him in a while…”

I went silent. Dad had always liked Samuel. I couldn’t tell him that we were no longer together. It would break his heart. Sometimes I got the feeling that dad liked him more than I did. I hesitated, “H-he’s been busy. He’s got a job at this law firm so he’s working with his dad.” Mum looked at me. Her eyes told me that I should just tell him what really happened, that Samuel and I had broken up. But how could I? How could I tell him that my so-called perfect man had cheated on me? I knew my father’s temper and I knew he would be banging down Samuel’s door if he knew the truth. But I couldn’t lie anymore.

“Dad, the truth is...” I was interrupted by the phone.

“Jessica, it’s for you,” Mum said, handing me the phone. I glanced in my mother’s direction to see if she would give me a hint as to who was calling for me but she didn’t know. Maybe it was Mr. Diaz. I was still waiting to hear from the interview I had two days ago.

“Hello?” I heard a deep voice on the other line.

“Am I speaking with Jessica Nelson?”

“Yes. Who am I talking to?”

There was silence on the other end. After a long pause, accompanied by static, the line went dead. “That’s weird. He asks for me and then hangs up.... whatever.”

I went back to the dining table. I was starving and couldn’t wait to eat. Classes kept me busy all day, with no time to stop and grab even a sandwich. I was about to bite into the chicken.

“Jessica wait! Don’t eat just yet. We’re waiting for someone.”

I frowned. “Who are we waiting for?”

But dad wouldn’t say. He just sat there, smiling. I was confused and I looked at mum, hopeful, but the expression on her face told me she didn’t know anything either. There was no use asking Nicole. Even if she did know what was going on, there was no way in hell she would tell me without expecting me to do something for her. I was about to get up and leave the table when there was a knock on the door. I stood to answer but dad waved me aside and rushed to answer it. I hated when he didn’t tell me what was going on. I couldn’t really see who was at door but when I heard that name I froze.

“Hey Samuel, come on in. We were just waiting for you.”

I couldn’t believe he was standing in my living room holding a bunch or red roses. I don’t remember what happened next. All I know is that I was sitting on my bed and Samuel was entering my room. I looked up at him. He looked so handsome in his low waist jeans and baby blue shirt tucked in. He was tall with light brown eyes. What made it harder was the dimple that appeared every time he smiled. “Hey Jess.” I just continued to stare. “These are for you,” he said, handing me the roses.

I managed a weak smile. A few awkward moments of silence passed. I was staring at the floor when he finally said, “I know I should have just told you when we met today.” I stood up and walked over to my window, staring out at the city lights.

“Were you the one who called earlier?”

“Well yes and no. I had a friend do the talking. I just wanted to know if you were home. I had to make sure.”

“Why are you really here Sam?”

“I have to talk to you.”

“Like I haven’t heard that before.”

“Listen, just stop with the sarcasm alright. I know I hurt you but will you at least give me a chance to explain?”

“What more is left to explain? Do you want to give me the details of how you cheated on me?”

“I said I was sorry.”

“Yeah, well, sorry isn’t going to change anything. It’s not going to make the pain just… disappear.”

Mom walked in and called us to have dinner but I had lost my appetite. I went anyway and ended up playing with the food on my plate. It was 10.24 p.m. and I wasn’t in any mood to talk to Sam.

“That was delicious aunty. I wouldn’t mind coming here for dinner every night.”

I whispered under my breath, “Yeah? Then I guess I’ll have to eat out!”

Mom glared at me. “Don’t be rude.”

“What? After all that has happened, you’re telling me not to be rude to him? Whatever, I’m going to my room. I’ve had enough of these stupid mind games.... And don’t you follow me Samuel!”

I stormed into my room but he followed me in.

“What do I have to do to get your attention? Huh? Isn’t it enough that I’ve come crawling back? I’m doing my best to make this work Jess but you have to work with me here!”

I didn’t know whether to slap him or laugh at what he just said. I stared at him, hoping he would realise what he had said. But he didn’t. He just looked back at me, waiting for me to say something to him.

“After everything we’ve been through, after what you did, you want me to work with you? For what? What good has come from all of this? I always thought of you as someone who would never, ever hurt me.”

“Baby, I’m so, so, so sorry. If I could take it back I would in a heart beat. But I can’t. I can only tell you that it won’t happen again.”

“You’re the one who messed this up. You had a problem with everything because of James? He’s just a guy in my class for God’s sake! I loved you. You’re the one who walked out on me when we fought. You didn’t want to deal with it. And then you went to her. I just don’t trust you any more.”

“But....”

“I think you should just leave Sam. I can’t do this anymore!”

Sam left in silence, closing the door behind him. It took so much of me to just let him walk away. I wanted to hold him, to feel his lips on mine. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I saw him drive away. I was sobbing silently when I felt mum’s arms around me.

“He hurt me Ma. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to forgive him.”

She held me tight as I sobbed on her shoulders. When I finally stopped crying, she just looked at me and smiled, “Get some sleep. You’ll feel better about this tomorrow.”

I nodded and went in for a bath. I just stood under the shower and let the warm water roll off my body, along with the tears that seemed to emerge again. When I was finally in bed, it was about 12.40 a.m. I lay there, tossing and turning. I was exhausted but still couldn’t get myself to fall asleep. The events of the day kept playing in my head. Writing always seemed to help; it calmed me down. I went over to my laptop and opened the journal I maintained.

Thursday, 26 April, 2007

It was harder than I thought. Seeing Sam today after the break-up was something that didn’t go according to plan. There was so much tension; we couldn’t look each other in the eye. It was horrible. All the feelings came rushing back. I had to get out of there. And then this? Why couldn’t he just tell me that dad had invited him over? It would have saved so much of the drama. I still can’t believe he cheated on me. I warned him about Danielle. Yes, she’s beautiful, the kind that hurts... she came and ruined everything. I don’t think I can ever trust him again. And if I see her face, I’d probably scratch her eyes out!

I shut down the laptop and tried to get some sleep. It was already 1.43 a.m. and I had an early class in the morning. It took a while for me to finally drift off. It was close to 3 a.m.

I jumped up with a song blaring near my ears. I realised it was my cell phone and I answered the call without really seeing who it was.

“Hello.”

“Good Morning.”

“Morning. What time is it?”

“It’s 7.30. I’ll be there to pick you up in about an hour. That gives you time to have your bath and eat. And see that you eat Jess.”

“Yea, I will. See you soon.”

James hung up. I continued to lie on my bed, staring vacantly out the window. I finally sat up and dragged myself into the bathroom. Maybe a cold shower would wake me up. And it did. I just wanted to stay under the running water all day and just feel everything wash away. But I had class and I had to rush. After wasting about half an hour in the bathroom, I realised I just had about 20 minutes before James arrived. I quickly threw on a t-shirt and jeans, towel dried my hair, grabbed my bag and left. I was just out my gate when James’ car pulled up in front. ‘Perfect timing,’ I thought to myself.

I got in and found the biggest smile I had seen in a while. Now James looked nothing like Samuel. Samuel was ‘movie-star’ handsome. But there was something different about James. He was tall, fair and had the biggest black eyes I had ever seen. He had soft, luscious pink lips that were always curled up in a smile. He was a regular guy but something about him caught my attention. I guess it was his charm. “You’re surprisingly happy to be up this early. Are you sure you’re not hiiiiigh?” Before I finished my sentence, he held out a Styrofoam cup and a sandwich.

“And how can you be so sure that I haven’t already eaten?”

“Yea, like i don't know you well enough?”

“Well, you’re wrong. I did eat something.”

“Oh really? And what DID you eat?”

“Umm, I had a cup of coffee and mum made me some toast.”

“Fine... I guess I’ll just have to finish this.”

He was about to bite into the sandwich. “Noooo!” I screamed, scaring him a little. “What?” I knew he was being coy.

“You were right, I didn’t eat anything. Can I have that sandwich please?”

James smiled, flashing his perfect teeth one more time. I hated that he knew me so well. There was an awkward moment when our eyes met but I looked away quickly and stared at the cup of coffee instead. The silence kept on till he began to drive and we were nearly there. The road had been surprisingly empty. James finally broke the silence.

“So you coming to Dylan’s tonight right?”

“Yea I guess. There’s nothing else for me to do.”

“So what time should I pick you up?”

“I don’t know. We’ll ask Dylan and see what time everybody’s going to get there and we’ll leave accordingly.”

“Well I know nobody’s going to be there before 11.”

“So then we’ll leave by 10. It should take us about an hour to get there. Sound good?”

“Actually, no. I was hoping to meet you before that.... for err... dinner maybe?”

“Dinner?”

“You see, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. It’s quite impor-r-tant.”

James was interrupted by the buzzing of my cell phone. “It’s mum. I got to take this.”

“Hello.”

“Sweetie, your father and I are not going to be home tonight. It’s your uncle’s birthday so we’ll be at his party. Nicole won’t be joining us. Will you?”

“No ma, I have Dylan’s party remember?”

“Oh yes. So I guess you’ll be having your dinner with James then?”

“I guess so since I don’t have much of a choice. Talk to you later ma. I’m about to reach college.”

James continued driving, though he was listening to the conversation. When my phone clicked off, he raised an eyebrow. I sighed, “I guess you’re stuck with me for dinner.” He grinned and we drove the rest of the way in silence.

6.00 p.m. now, class had just come to an end. I was gathering my notes thinking James would probably be giving me a ride home but he had some work to take care of. Just as well. “So I’ll see you at 8.00 then?” I smiled and nodded. I needed some time to think. With everything that happened last night, I hadn’t really been able to put things into perspective. And now this. I knew exactly what he wanted to talk to me about. Anybody would. He constantly dropped hints. He even brought me breakfast this morning! But I wasn’t ready for anything yet. I decided to listen to my iPod. Maybe the music would drown out the thoughts running through my head.

Before I knew it I had reached, bathed and was ready to leave. I had worn a pair of blue skinny jeans and a black tube top, semi-formally dressed which seemed appropriate for dinner and the party. I wouldn’t call myself beautiful; more like easy on the eyes. I was just applying lip gloss and eye liner when my phone began to vibrate. It was a message from James. ‘B der in 5.’

Nicole was in her room at her computer as usual. “I’m leaving.” She didn’t bother to look, just waved goodbye and continued chatting. ‘Why do I bother?’ I thought. As I was waiting for the elevator I began to feel a little anxious. As I walked out of the lobby, I saw James leaning against his car. He was dressed in a black long sleeved shirt, with a white t-shirt under. His blue baggy Levis fell over a pair of Nike’s. I could smell his perfume even before I reached the car. I noticed the Red Rose he was holding. It then dawned on me that this was an actual date. He had asked me out on a date! My first date in three years. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face as I walked over to his side. Leaning in, he kissed me on my cheek while handing me the Rose. He stood staring at me for several minutes which made me a little self conscious. “Shall we leave?” I said abruptly in an attempt to make him stop staring. I was extremely nervous. This was a date, not just a dinner but a date. Nothing seemed to shake away my nervousness. I turned the radio on thinking music would help but how would it? I knew he was still staring at me from the corner of his eye.

I began singing along with the song that was playing, something I did when I got nervous. “What’s wrong Jess?” “Hmm? Oh nothing.” I shrugged off the question. My nervousness seemed to fade away when we finally reached the restaurant. I guess being in public calmed me down.

“The Grill? Why have you brought me to such an expensive restaurant?”

“Because it is a special occasion.”

“Which is?”

“Well, you’re out with me...”

“Haha, alright. But this is still an expensive place. I’m not going to have enough to pay for my half.”

James stared at me like I had said something wrong. “What?” I asked him which made everybody turn and look at us.”

“I asked you out on a date Jess. I thought you knew that.”

“Well it did strike me when I saw the Rose in your hand... But I don’t expect you to pay you know.” There was a long pause.

“James I’m sorry if I upset you but I was just being honest.”

“When have I ever let you pay Jess? But whatever… Forget it. Let’s find our table.”

“How did you manage to reserve a table anyway? This place looks like you have to book weeks in advance. Are you a regular here or something?” James smiled.

“You could say that...”

“What do you mean?”

“This is my restaurant Jess. My family runs this place.”

I was completely shocked. In the six months I knew him, he didn’t mention his family owned a restaurant. He wasn’t arrogant and he never made it obvious that he was rich. I would have never guessed. Not that his money made any difference about how I felt. I still wasn’t ready for another relationship. He grabbed my hand and took me to a corner booth that was secluded but still had the best view of the entire restaurant. As we were seated, the manager walked up to him.

“Is everything to your liking Mr. Nazareth?”

“Oh yes. Perfect.” The manager smiled and left.

“So this was that ‘something’ you had to take care of after class?”

“Yea. I had to make this as special for you as I could. I wanted you to have fun and be yourself. No more Samuel or college talk. It’s just you and me tonight.” But it was hard. I tried not to think but I felt so guilty for trying to move past the whole thing.

“Does the pain ever go away?”

“It does in its own time. And sometimes, you meet someone to help you move on from that pain. It happened to me when I met you Jess. I knew I could be happy again.”

I was silent. I knew he was going to talk to me about this. But why was my pulse still racing? Just as I was about to say something, I saw him. Samuel and Danielle had walked into the restaurant. My lips froze when I was sipping my water. James squeezed my hand.

“I can have them leave the restaurant if you want.”

But I didn’t reply. All the hurt and betrayal came back. James beckoned for the manager and whispered something in his ear. The next thing I saw, Samuel and Danielle were being ushered out. Samuel turned to look at me before he left. There was hurt on his face.

The rest of the evening seemed mechanical. I pretended to laugh at James’ jokes and make small talk but I wasn’t really in the mood. He knew it but didn’t say anything to me. When we left the restaurant he finally asked, “Do you even want to go to Dylan’s party? I’ll take you straight home if you want.” I snapped out of the trance I had been in after the incident.

“Oh my God, James I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a drab. Some first date huh? But I want to go to Dylan’s. It’ll be fun and everyone’s going to be there. Besides, some alcohol might cheer me up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

The valet brought the car up front. It was about 10.30 and Dylan’s beach house was an hour away. We didn’t say much to each other in the car. I knew he was upset and I wasn’t really ready to talk about it. When we finally reached the party, it was close to 11.43 p.m. James had forgotten the road. Almost everyone had arrived and I was happy to be with all my friends. “Dylan! Nice party. Where’s Amanda?” “She’s around somewhere.” I tried to look for her but I couldn’t find her anywhere. I gave up and went to the bar to get myself a drink but James had beaten me to it and came toward me with my Run n’ Coke. It didn’t take me too long to finish it and I went and got myself another. “Slow down Jess.” But I laughed. “I know I’m going to be safe with you here." James was driving so he didn’t drink. Just stood in one corner and watched me all night. Before long, I was high and loving the buzz.

“Jessica!” I heard Amanda’s scream and saw her running towards me. She gave me a tight hug. “James told me what happened at the restaurant. I hope you’re ok.” “I don’t really want to talk about it. I just want to forget and get drunk!” Amanda and I began to dance and soon Dylan was right there with her. As the night went on, the music got slower, the perfect beat to grind with your partner. I was alone on the dance floor. But I didn’t care. The song that played was one of my favourites and I was lost in the beat. I suddenly felt someone’s hand around my waist, pulling me close. My back was against his muscular body. I didn’t have to look up to know who it was but I did anyway. I saw James smile as we began grinding to the music. Soon the dancing got more intense. He turned me around and I was now looking into his big black eyes. His hand was on my lower back, pressing my body closer to his; the other held the nape of my neck. I knew then that he was going to kiss me and I didn’t stop him. As much as I knew how wrong it was, I couldn’t control myself. His kiss was gentle, yet assertive at the same time. His lips were soft and moist. I could have stayed that way forever. But reality finally set in and I pulled back. Everything was happening too soon.

“What happened?”

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

I ran into one of the bathrooms. Splashing cold water on my face, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My face was red. ‘What am I doing? Why do I keep doing such stupid things?’ I took a while to compose myself and finally got out of the bathroom. James was standing there, waiting for me.

“Are you alright?”

“I don’t know. Can you please take me home?”

“Anything.”

We drove home in silence. Silence seemed to be around a lot these days. The car pulled into my building and we still hadn’t spoken to each other. I was about to say something when James turned the engine off, interrupting me.

“Listen Jess, I’m not going to apologise for kissing you tonight. I like you and the truth is, I’m glad I kissed you. It made me realise how much I want to be with you.”

“But James...”

“No don’t say anything. I understand it’s still too soon for you but I don’t care. I want to be with you and even if I have to be your rebound guy I wouldn’t mind. Just as long as I am with you.”

“I can’t do that to you. You mean much more to me than that.”

“Then that settles it.”

“No nothing’s settled. I still need my time to think. I hope you understand."

James smiled. “You better go up now. It’s late. I’ll call you tomorrow. Good night.”

It was 3.47 a.m. Before leaving the car, I was about to lean in and kiss him but I stopped. If James noticed, he didn’t make me feel uncomfortable about it. He just kept smiling. I got out and watched him drive away. It was 4 a.m. by the time I undressed. Everyone was already asleep but I had a journal entry to make.

Friday, 27 April, 2007

Tonight was another disaster. First, I went on a date without really realising it. Then I bumped into Samuel and Danielle there. I don’t get it. Just last night he said he wanted to work things out and today he’s parading around town with her? He’s not going to change. James then kisses me and tells me he wants us to be together. Like my life isn’t already complicated enough... Although, I have to admit, kissing him was beautiful. I didn’t want him to stop. Then what am I doing complaining? I think I’ll give it a shot with him.

I fell asleep by about 4.30. Guess the rum finally had its effect. When I was woken up by my mother, it was 11.24 a.m.

“Let me sleep Ma. It’s the one holiday I get.”

“Someone’s here to see you.”

“What?”

“I said someone’s here to see you.”

“Oh God. It’s Sam isn’t it?”

I didn’t let her answer. I quickly freshened up and went into my hall. I saw him sitting at the edge of his seat. “Come into my room.” He followed me in and we sat on my bed.

“So what do you want Sam?”

“I have to talk to you about last night. I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“No Sam, don’t apologise. In fact, I’m glad I saw what I saw. It’s just made me realise what a lying prick you are and now I can finally move on.”

‘But I can explain...”

“Save it. I’m done.”

“But you don’t understand.”

“Maybe I don’t want to understand. There’s nothing you can say that’s going to make this any better.”

“At least hear me out.”

“Fine! Explain.”

“Last month, right before that big test I had, I was freaking out. I wasn’t talking to anybody. You must remember how I didn’t answer your calls...”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Anyway, I though I was going to fail but I needed to graduate. Dad was going to kill me otherwise. So I snuck into the examination office and stole the copy of the test. Unfortunately, Danielle caught me and threatened to tell the Dean if I didn’t go out with her. So I took her out and then one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was in bed with her.”

“How will this make me feel better Sam?”

“I’m not trying to make this go away. I wish I could but I can’t. I’m just being honest with you. I know it’s my fault and asking for forgiveness is the last thing I’m going to do.”

“And last night was what then? You repenting for what you’ve done?”

“No. Now this is the hard part. She’s pregnant and she says it’s mine.”

I felt as though someone had punched me in my stomach. I couldn’t breathe. “Why are you doing this to me Sam? It’s bad enough that you cheated. Did you have to get her pregnant too? I really can’t do this anymore. I think you better leave. And please do me a favour, don’t call me again. I think it’s the best thing for the both of us.”

Sam got up and left. I didn’t look at him and I don’t know if he looked at me. I just buried my head in a pillow and wept. James had called a million times in the hour that I was crying but I just ignored his calls. I didn’t feel like talking to anybody. He knew something hadto be wrong for ignoring him like that so he came home to see what had happened. He found me curled up on my bed, crying. He held me till my sobs quietened down, then wiped my tears. “I hate him for what’s he done to you,” he said softly. He kissed my forehead.

At that moment I knew that being with him seemed right.

“I want to give us a shot,” I said, looking up at him.

“Are you sure?” I wasn’t certain but I knew it felt like I should. Everything around was telling me to.

“You don’t have to do this Jess. I’m not forcing you to be with me.”

“I know. But I want to.”

James was still unsure. “I’m not doing this because of Sam. I’m doing this for me.”

James held me tight and kissed me. Just like he had done last night. Only this time, the kiss was more intense. After we stopped to catch our breath he said, “Get dressed. I’m taking you out for lunch.” I wasn’t in the mood to go out but I got ready anyway. I ruined last night so maybe this would make it up to him. James took me to Bread Box, a sandwich parlour that made the best sandwiches in town because he knew I wouldn’t be that hungry. He then took me for a movie and the whole time he didn’t let go of my hand. Sitting there with him felt good after a long time.

***

The next couple of months went by in almost the same way. Lunches, dinners, late night movies with a big tub of popcorn. He did everything he could to make me forget about Sam. Although, there were times I’d let myself think of him. We were on our way back from one of our many dates when James said, “I have a surprise for you.”

“Really? And what is it?” James reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out 2 plane tickets.

“I wanted to take you somewhere really special. They’re tickets to Rome. I thought this would a perfect first date. The last one didn’t go the way I hoped.”

“But...”

“This will be good for us Jess. It’ll bring us closer.”

“But we are close James. And besides, I don’t think my parents will approve. And I still think it’s too soon for us to take a trip together. I mean, it’s only been 2 months.”

“I spoke to your parents before I got the tickets and your mum thinks you could use a break. Your dad needed a little convincing but after I told him what really happened with you and Sam, he thought it was a good idea as well.”

“But James...”

“Jess, I lied to you earlier when I said I wanted to be your rebound guy. The truth is, I don’t want to be the rebound guy; I want to be THE guy. I love you Jess and have loved you since the day I met you.”

“I don’t know James. I have to think about it.”

“Promise me you will really think about it.”

“I will. I’ll call you later. Bye.”

As I left his car I couldn’t stop thinking about how fast we were moving. Why does he want to rush things? Things are perfect the way they are. I walked into my house to find Sam sitting on my bed.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’ve come to win you back. I owned up to everything. I don’t have to lie anymore. And Danielle can’t blackmail me either.”

“But she’s still pregnant.”

“It’s not mine Jess. It turns out that she had gotten drunk and knocked up at this party and she just needed someone to blame. She found her opportunity when she caught me stealing that test.”

“But that still doesn’t change the fact that you cheated.”

“That’s why I’m here. To prove to you that I love you and that I’ll never hurt you again.” Saying that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring. “Will you be my girlfriend again? This is a promise ring.”

Sam was still holding the ring when James walked in. His eyes widened when he saw Sam kneeling down. “Jess… you left your phone in my car... What’s going on Jess?”

“Nothing. Sam was just leaving.”

“No I wasn’t... I’m not leaving Jess. I want my answer. What’s he doing here anyway?”

“She’s my girlfriend now Sam.”

“What’s he talking about Jessica?”

“Tell him Jess. Tell him we’re taking a trip together. And why are you giving my girlfriend a ring?”

“Well it’s a promise ring. So she knows I’m not going to hurt her again if she chooses to be my girlfriend.”

I was caught in the middle of their argument. I didn’t know what to do. I felt suffocated and all I wanted to do was scream.

“Will both of you please shut the fuck up! I’ve had enough of this shit! I can’t take this anymore! BOTH of you are acting like uncivilized Neanderthals and I don’t want to do this anymore. You both want my answer don’t you? Well here it is. I don’t want to be with EITHER of you. You’ll have done nothing but made me uncomfortable and made me choose. I give up. I’m not going to do this anymore. I want you both to leave. Goodbye!”

I locked myself in my room and waited for them to leave. This was the best decision I had made and I knew that no matter what, I wasn’t going to regret it.

Saturday, 14 July 2007

Dear Mom, Dad and Nicole,

I have to let you know that I think that you have all given me the best love I could ever have hoped for in my life. For that I’m really grateful to you. Now I’m older and I understand better the kind of choices a person has to make in life, and I know that some of those choices of mine haven’t always been the smartest ones. I feel as if I’ve distorted the life you gave me to where it now just becomes anger and hurt and I don’t even know where it comes from and I’m fed up of it Ma! I wish I had time to sit and think because things go too fast in this world. God has always pushed me in all kinds of directions and I am so upset sometimes because I don’t know what his plans for me are and I hate to think it but I sometimes wonder if there is one at all. I wish I could make it stop hurting inside of me so much. I do not want to feel happy because to know what happy is I have to know sadness. I want to feel nothing. I love you guys to bits and hope to see you sometime.

Love you all,

Jessica.

By Charlene Flanagan